youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
