pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
