i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
