I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
