We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
