I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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