I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
