I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Randomize
