I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
