ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
