I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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