when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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