god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
