he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
