I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
