you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
