my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
