i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
