My Higher Power is John Stamos
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
