Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
