On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
