Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
