I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
