i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
