you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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