pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
