I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
