I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
