I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
