Are we in a gay sports bar?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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