I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
