I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I think my moral compass just broke
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
