every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
