i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
