I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You're like the curious george of whores
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
