I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
