i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Randomize
