1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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