he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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