I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
