This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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