Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
