I wish I could punch you in the face.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
