You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
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I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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