the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i think i have herpe
just one?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
