We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
