rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
