Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
