Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
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By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
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It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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