i need an iv and a liver transplant
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
BRING THE BAGELS
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
