you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My legs feel like baby dolphins
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
