So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
