Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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