also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
