I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
